The bad with the good

Bad things first, because I want to end on a good note. But be warned: bad stuff takes up most of this entry.

When lots of things start going wrong, it becomes increasingly important to remind yourself of all the good things that life has to offer. That was why last night at Theatre, we started out by going around the circle and saying our names and something that reminds us of the goodness of humanity. Then we began to prepare ourselves for the Halloween party by crafting the ghost stories we will tell-- what parts are just spoken, what parts are acted, etc. The class was a general success, except that long about 7:30, some gangbangers who had been banging on the outside door all night broke out a window. They took off running. One of my girls got a cut on her wrist that wasn't too bad and we bandaged it up okay.

Right now, I can hear Felipe downstairs boarding up the window. It had bars on it so they just left it open all night. And the window, they decided, didn't serve much purpose anyway, so they're just going to replace it with wood instead of glass.

Other things going on with my teens:

-One of them is in a perpetually bad mood which I try to convince him does have something to do with him going full days without eating. He's nineteen, in college, and is upset that he hasn't found someone to marry yet. I remember feeling that way, like nothing would ever fit. He talks to me a lot about his family and the women in his life and says that I'm like free therapy because I listen without interrupting.

-One of them, a straight-A student who hides from her friends how smart she is, is on the verge of joining a gang for reasons such as, "Everybody's up in my fucking business," and "That's just how it is." Those aren't reasons I can argue with, so instead I give her other places to belong. She's in my Theatre group and my Art group. She's also an alter server. Has been for years.

-One of them has a female friend with an unspecified problem that is not pregnancy. He's been scowling all week and refusing to talk about it, but I can tell he's close to opening up. Whatever it is, he's ready to bust someone's ass over it. He's started wearing gang colors recently, but swears to me that he's "staying away from that shit." He doesn't wear the colors of any particular gang, which is probably more dangerous considering the colors he wears sometimes in this neighborhood. I know that he's waiting for something bad to happen to him so that his dad will wake up and realize he needs to look out for his son. But it's not going to happen. His dad waking up, I mean. What do you do with a kid who wants to get shot but who doesn't have a death wish?

-One of them, I think, tried to commit suicide this week.

At work, the office has emptied out and is filling up with new people taking over offices. Some of the neighborhood guys have been hired to clean and paint and the building is heavy with fumes of various sorts. There was a huge audit of the after-school program yesterday everything was just crazy. It only further added to my mood.

At home, we've got a wacko causing troubles. I take that back. She's not a wacko. I lived with this woman for a couple of weeks. I may not like her all too much, especially not now, but she's not a wacko. So let me rephrase. We've got a disgruntled former volunteer causing troubles.

Helen left, which I think I diplomatically mentioned in my last entry. She left without trying to resolve her issues with us, and then she started calling to complain that we had ruined the experience for her. She called the house. She called John, our director. She called Eddie, the Provincial. Calling to complain is one thing. I never would have even mentioned that here, because to me, that's not a big dead at all.

But dude, she has crossed the line now. She called Americorps, which John assures me is no mean feat since he has trouble getting in contact with them. She gave them a list of bizarre accusations that almost... if you squint your eyes and cock your head just so... reading them translated into Swahili... almost have a basis in reality. I know that nothing really will come from it, other than a minor to major hassle, but my community is now under governmental investigation. I don't know what this will entail. We might receive a letter in the mail and have to send back a signed statement saying that we are not against the President during Americorps time, and that we are not teaching people that America started World War II.

As Michael said, Helen is like the Thought Police. She complained to Americorps that we were against the President and say that America started WWII. And aside from the absolute absurdity of that second part, why the hell would she take it upon herself to report our opinions or beliefs? She also said that we were distributing campaign materials. And now, I can totally see how our zine would be considered campaign materials, since it is against the Bush administration and all. But we did that at home-- on our own time. She watched us do it at home. She never even visited our job sites to see what we do during the day. Americorps' "do not be political" policy has only to do with what we do during our service hours, which means that nothing will come from this but a hassle. She really is just trying to make things hard for us.

I told Michael Wednesday night that Helen was gone and it was done and that was that, and that I did not feel bitter or resentful toward her. Michael said, "Kati, Helen is a hateful woman who will do anything in her power to hurt the community." And I waved him off. And then Thursday night I came home from work to hear this garbage.

I'm bitter and resentful toward Helen now. But even still, the most I'll do is complain about it in my blog. I'm not going to call the NAACP and report that she's racist.

Oh... did I say that? I didn't mean to. Even though she is.

Okay. I feel better now. I've ranted and complained and stamped around like a petulant child. I've vented and gotten it all off my chest, and that is a nice feeling. With what's going on with my teens, things weren't too great before Thursday night, but since then, I've been wandering around wide-eyed in a vortex of overwhelmed stress. I talked to Dad last night about Helen, and he was kind and familiar and that really made me feel better, but I couldn't bring myself to say out loud all my stresses about my teens, so I couldn't get comfort about that. But it'll all be fine, and here's why:

-Even with the broken window last night, Theatre went really well. Not everyone in the group likes each other, but they all get along really well, and they open up and talk about things with each other, and they make no bones about the fact that they all enjoy coming, they all enjoy seeing each other, and they all feel like they really belong when they're together. They came up with a lot of good reasons to remember the goodness of humanity. The people I mentioned above, even with all their problems, came up with a lot of good things. Hope is never gone.

-I successfully tutored a Junior in Physics yesterday afternoon. And, despite my inherent fear of Physics, I knew what I was talking about and actually helped him. He smiled and said Thank You a lot.

-I taught myself a new computer program so that I could teach one of my teens how to complete one of her homework assignments. She had been dreading this project, but finished it in twenty minutes, even improving upon the basics that I taught her.

-One of the guys who was in my art class last year, who is now at DePaul University on full scholarship, came to me for help in his English class. He kept getting low grades because he had trouble with thesis statements. After we worked through that, he told me he was kicking ass in Philosophy. Last year I converted him to existentialism. I told him that my next goal was to make him a Socialist. He said, "Okay, what's that?" I briefly explained it and he said that he had been told that that was the first step in life after he became a lawyer. But then when the money started coming in, he'd do an about-face and forget about the little guy.

-And another thing... I mentioned briefly to Sr. Angie about what was happening with Helen. Really, I just wanted her to know. I wanted to see if maybe she could offer some insight into why someone would do something like that. She did eventually, but first, she nodded immediately, saying, "I'll testify for you." And even though that wasn't what I had been looking for, it was nice to know that someone had my back.