Swirling Mass of Chaos

is June.

My first day off this month is.... June 27th!

This is a month that I have to take one day at a time, because when I look at the month calendar on the wall in the kitchen, I begin to hyperventilate, and want to go hide in the corner.

June. The sum of its parts are all going to be quite enjoyable. But as a whole, it's scary because there is so much I need to accomplish. The thing that really sucks is that this is perhaps my last full month in Chicago. And if nothing else, it's my last month working fulltime at Holy Cross. I am very well aware of the fact that by taking this month in a day-by-day, and sometimes hour-by-hour basis, that the time is going to fly by without me noticing. This busy, it's almost impossible to savor the flavor of life. I'm also well aware of the fact that my boss thinks I'm slacking... because that's the way she sees me. She is incapable of accepting that this 60+ hour week I'm working this week... is a lot of hours. And that I'm doing a lot, and that I'm doing it well. But, you know, whatever. She won't be my boss soon, so I won't have to always be looking over my shoulder, wondering who's judging me. I'll be able to just do my job and feel good about it.

I've tried to keep it a secret, but I think my teens know that I might be staying. They've stopped guilting me about when I leave. They don't talk about it at all. This is a new thing. For a year now, they've brought it up without fail every single day they've seen me. I think they know.

Also, theoretically at least, we will know what we're doing next THIS WEEK!!!! Do you believe it? Because I'm not sure I do. But our options for staying in Chicago are looking better and better. I just want them to be definite. It's crazy, really. I want to go to the desert. I want to stay here. If it works out that we can stay here, we're staying here.

it's a strange thing to think about... having a home. A city that we live in, and are going to be staying in. It changes a lot of things. Plans are made differently. I find myself getting involved in different things, and in different ways. Without the threat of imminent departure, I want to become A Part of the communities I'm a part of. I don't really know how to descibe it. But you know what I mean, right?

My thoughts, like me, are pulled in many different directions right now. Hope I'm somewhat lucid.