Korea and me

You know, it's really interesting what human beings are capable of. Michael and I watched this documentary last night about Korea, and it's incredible. Most of the country is desolate poverty, but then they build up this huge, rich-looking, and almost completely empty city for visitors to see. You have people starving to death, and then children practicing every day, six hours a day, for months, to perform a dance for their god-like dictator. Then you have said god-like dictator. I mean, who the hell wants to be god-like? Who would really want people to believe they have supernatural powers?

Then you have people like me, disappointed with my job but determined to make it work. Because you know, this is a really good job. I work with teens. The hours are flexible. It's never boring. It's never the same. But I don't feel fulfilled here, and sometimes I feel completely out-of-place, and sometimes I feel like I absolutely ought to be here-- that I have something to learn or something important that I must do, or something... something.

How is it that someone with issues as boring as mine can live on the same planet as Kim Jong Il? And his people? How do we coexist?

I'm not a world famous millionaire superstar yet. But don't worry, I'm holding my breath on this one. Any moment now... any time.

In the meantime, I go back and forth between convincing myself that I am doing really good things here and that I ought to stay forever, and trying to figure out what I'm gonna do next. And how. Despite my worries that I'm doing nothing good or important, I'm becoming involved. I'm a member of the community. I think I'm even becoming a leader now. How do you leave when you're a leader? Do you even have that choice?

I guess I'm strange in the way that I feel like I'm not doing enough. I feel like...

During my time I spend helping people, I'm not helping the people who most need help.

or

During my time I spend helping people, I'm not doing the right help.

or

During my time I spend helping people, I'm not doing enough so that I feel like I should even have bothered to help in the first place.

I think most people feel like they don't do anything. But I DO do things. All the time. It's my job. How can I feel like I'm not helping when that's all I do? This has to be me messed up somehow. I have to be really wrong about something. Maybe my natural state of being is to feel inadequate, and that's what I need to fix, rather than trying to figure out what MORE I can do.

Because I'm doing such cool stuff-- and so much more cool stuff is coming up. This is a fun job, mostly. What's wrong with me that I can't sit back and enjoy it?

That's a rhetorical question. I probably don't want to know the answer.

peace, y'all.
kati