Back to Work Stress

Warning: Bitching below.

I have bags under my eyes today. This is new for me. I've been back in town all of two days, and I have bags under my eyes. We had a Christmas party last night with the youth group, and holy cow. I've realized a couple of things.

One, I really don't think I can relate to these kids. I don't know what's so different that I can relate with the kids twenty blocks south, but not to these, but I just really don't understand these kids. They're wild. Not all the time, but enough so that I feel like I'm lacking in the control that I need to have to run this group. I spend enough time feeling anywhere from helpless to hopeless that I am seriously doubting my ability to succeed in this position.

Two, they don't listen to me and they don't respect me. Maybe I'm trying too hard to be heard, or maybe I'm not enough of a disciplinarian. Don't know which. What I do know is that I have to scream to be heard, and I hate screaming almost as much as I hate throwing up. I don't want to scream anymore.

Three, if this were a regular job and I got paid for it, etc., I would have quit last night. I would have walked away and not looked back. This is a scary and upsetting realization for me. I don't want to be the person that walks away. I don't want to feel like I can't do this job. I don't want to feel that this is a "job". I want this to be my mission, my calling, my... my desire. I want to want to be here.

The last two years, I have had the supreme luxury (and I'm not being facetious) of being able to say to myself, "I choose to be here," whenever I was having a bad day. But I've had a enough bad days here. I don't want to be here. I don't get the kids and they don't listen to me or care what I have to say, and I was ready to walk away last night and this is the first time I've had this problem since I've been in Chicago, and I don't know what to do with it.

The Big Question now is: Am I reacting to having a particularly bad night, so that I am seeing a pattern that doesn't necessarily exist, or, have I just finally accepted that this pattern exists? Did I have such a wonderful vacation that coming back was a shock? Did I get my hopes too high while I was away? Did I expect everything to be perfect, and now that it's not I'm failing?

I don't feel right now that this is a result of last night. I feel that I stopped making excuses last night and that I've finally accepted that I'm not doing okay. I'm fucking up. With a small group of these kids I do fine, but get twenty or more and they're crazy and I can't get it right. I can't do this. And I'm sick of trying and failing and saying it's okay and trying again and failing again. I'm sick of feeling like a fuck up, and then telling myself that this isn't what I want to do with my life, it's just for now. I don't want to do this now either.

Jeez. I need some words of inspiration. I need someone to remind me that all youth ministers go through this. Because I've been in youth minister meetings and everyone has a story like this-- the awfulness of feeling useless and being ready to walk away and thinking you're the worst youth minister ever and then... something... something would happen to remind you why you should stick it out. Where is my something? I don't have it in me anymore. I don't have the warm fuzzy feeling of knowing I've done something worthwhile. I don't feel like I'm doing shit in this current position. I'm not making anything better. I'm not helping the world. I'm just feeling bad.

Two days. I was feeling so good when I came back from Tennessee. I got to see family and friends and it was such a nice relaxing trip. I was rejuvenated. And now I'm sitting in this black cloud. I feel like this cartoon version of myself, actually sitting with a black cloud surrounding me and I can't see past it.

I gotta get out of this funk. It's either gonna work or it's not. I've either got to try or move on. I'm gonna talk to Fr. Marino and Ms. Susan today and see if they can guide me with their years of experience. I'm gonna talk to John later on, see if we can figure some things out. Something's gotta happen. I've gotta get out of this funk if nothing else. I've got to be not pissed, and not hopeless, and I've got to feel like I'm not completely fucking up. I've gotta do something. Because this, right now, these bags and this stress and these realizations I've made, this sucks.