Tired Whining
It really is just tired whining. It's not worth reading. I'll write about something more interesting next week. Come back then.
...
Jeez I'm tired.
I've been getting a decent amount of sleep, but I just can't shake it. I've decided I'm going to start therapy soon. I can't help but think that life has always been more or less like this, and therefore it's me with the problem. And I'm okay with that idea. Whatever I can do to stop being so tired, so unhappy, so negative, is fine with me.
I'm really leaning toward cutting my hours at this job after Easter, and starting at a new ministry where I'll feel like I'm doing something worthwhile. I love these kids, and I don't want to leave the youth group altogether, but this just can't be my main thing. I can't help thinking, all the time I might add, that there are so many more important things I ought to be doing. I'm always busy here, and I usually have fun, but I never seem to do anything. I need more.
I guess service is kind of relative. I don't want to give anyone the impression that Youth ministry is not worthwhile or important or very powerful in the lives of young adults. It is all of those things. But it's like, after you've worked with adolescent sex offenders, after you've worked with gangs, after you've worked with impoverished first and second generation immigrants... lower middle class teens are just so... what? undeserving? that's not the right word. But they have problems like I had problems. And those are very legitimate problems, but dude. I've seen much worse problems. And I get so frustrated that they're teenagers who haven't always had to fight every step of the way, and who therefore feel like they deserve everything they get and more. I know I was that way. I was so bloody entitled to everything. But jeez, when they start acting like their life is just so hard and I think about other teens I've worked with, I just really can't help but feel I'm the absolute wrong person for this job.
These kids need someone who has not done the service that I have done. These kids need someone who lives better than me, who spends more than $100 a month, and who doesn't feel like they live in the lap of luxury because of it. I'm so very aware, all the time, that I live like a friggin' queen, and how can I relate to kids who live better than me, but prance around with their 'life has cheated me' pouty faces, oblivious to the realities of our world, unable to hear or see the realities of life?
I'm such a fucking elitist, down on my very lowest pedestal possible. I WAS these kids, and now I can't relate to them at all. I've seen things and I've done things and I can never go back again. I can't pretend I wasn't ever there. I can't bring myself to be the person who works with the slightly disadvantaged, because I feel like I"m wasting my time-- and that's pretentious of me. So very condescending. I know that their problems are their problems, and therefore, their problems are real problems. I know they're legitimate, and I know the damage they can do.
I'm a privileged person. All of my needs are taken care of. My big problem right now is that I feel dissatisfied with my job. But I have one, and I can do it well. I have a laptop, and hot water, and a bed, and a netflix account. And sure, I grieve for my grandparents, and I worry about my brother, and I'm so scared for Erika right now... but really. I'm tired and dissatisfied and I can do nothing but complain about it all. Because my problems are so bad.
It's the same thing. Maybe I'm impatient with the kids because I still AM the kids, except that I know better but complain all the time anyway. I guess that's why I'm starting therapy. Because this is something that's wrong with me that I gotta fix so I can move on.
2 Comments:
Wow. You go from one extreme to another. "Erika has a brain tumor" to "These students don't have real problems."
I read what you write often, and I wait for these entries - because I know they're coming. You've made a choice to save the world and spend $100 a month. It's noble and unique. Maybe, though, this is setting you too far apart from the youth and the adults you work with. Well, maybe not the priests and nuns.
You seem talented, energetic, and full of hope. But when things are stressful you get too pissed off at the world and at kids who were created by their parenting and environments.
Learn to let go... and learn that kids do have problems: Most of all it's hormones and emotions, and they feel that no on in the world understands them. That's their biggest problem. So if you understand them because you've been there, then cut them a break.
Have you heard of Maslow's hierarchy of needs? Maybe you enjoy working with impoverished and marginalized youth because you can take care of their needs better. Their concerns are shelter, food, safety. Mostly, they struggle to reach a level much deeper because there are other more pressing concerns of survival at hand.
It seems like you're struggling with the idea that there are kids who have the audacity to already have these needs met, and have moved to the level of actually searching for a sense of identity and their place in the world. Katie, this is how things should be. Do not despise the students you're working with now.
Most often, it is youth of privelege who give up material things and set out to save the world--- not those who've struggled economically their whole lives.
Good for you for the therapy thing. It's really hard work, but in the end it's worth it. Every time I have a huge problem with my parents, I'm so, so glad I went to learn some good coping skills.
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