I hardly slept last night. I've been sick and have been on antibiotics for over a week. Just started a new one yesterday, and really, I do feel much better today. Maybe that was why I couldn't sleep. Or maybe the weird stuff I ate before bed. Maybe some stress, worrying about my kids. They got issues.
But I wound up sitting on my yoga mat, thinking about my job, thinking about my life, thinking about my goal to save the world and wondering if I was really making any headway. I think about this every now and then, and it always comes to--if I really want to save the world, what I need to do is convince a whole bunch of other people that that's what they want too. Then we'll all work together and live happily ever after.
So is that anything like what I'm doing now as a youth minister?
I don't know. Mostly it was three o'clock in the morning, and I had a long day. So I really had nothing else to do but think about who I am as a person, and if that person is who I want to be. I worry that I'm trying to be or portray this nicer version of myself--being a positive role model, active at church, working with troubled teens--when sometimes all I really want is to cause problems and disrupt society until people really get to Thinking about what's going on in the world.
Have I made myself too nice?
Or if I'm not nice enough--or good enough--or steady enough--or determined enough--or quick-witted enough--or (fill in the blank with infinite descriptions) enough-- Am I going to actually be able to help these kids? And more generally, am I actually doing anything that will change the world?
I don't know the answers to these questions, but I do know that I'm likely worrying about it due to the three o'clock self-realization session I had on the floor of my bedroom this morning.
Then today, several of my teens came in to talk to me about things that are going on in their lives, and there really is something to be said for Being There, and Listening to Them, and all sorts of seemingly mundane things like that. Maybe it won't change the world, but maybe it'll help a few people. And maybe in the long run that's not all I want to do, but for the time being, I know I'm getting Something done.
Mary (my sister) told me years ago that she was talking to this one person about why she wanted to be a Spanish teacher. She told this person all about Mrs. Lannum, our high school Spanish teacher, and how cool she was, and all the stuff she did, and how wise--all the things she *knew*. The person said, "So you want to be Mrs. Lannum?" Mary thought about it and said, "No, I want to be a Spanish teacher."
I went through a similar phase. Before changing my major to psychology, I majored in Spanish, and there was this small part of me that thought that if the missionary thing didn't work out, I could always be a Spanish teacher. But then I realized that I really just wanted to be Mrs. Lannum.
These role models that we have really are important in our lives. And it wasn't just Mrs. Lannum that influenced me. It was a lot of people. Padre Quinn at the mission in Mexico, for instance. And Courtney Love.
I remember the exact moment that I decided I wanted to be a missionary, but I couldn't even begin to list all the factors that went into making that decision, and then keeping it for so long after. I don't know when exactly I decided I wanted to work with teens. And I don't know how exactly I'm going to go about convincing the rest of the world that we should all be prophetic--that we should all be honest--that we should all try to change the world for the better rather than just skimming through our lives on autopilot.
The big thing I try to teach my teens right now is to Think. Mrs. Lannum asked me to do that, although maybe not in so many words. Padre Quinn taught me about giving your life to service. And Courtney Love taught me to speak without being afraid of what others think.
This morning I talked to this lady, Cecilia, who works at the church. Honestly, I didn't like her when I first met her last year. But when I first met her this year, we sat down and got to talking, and man, what an interesting woman. We don't agree on a lot of things, but we both think about these things. And that is very important in life. How are you going to know where to go, if you don't even know where you stand?
Anyway, this morning she started talking about Ghandi. She talked about Jesus and setting up the church. She talked about politics. She talked about change. One thing she noted that stands out in my mind is that when you speak, don't just speak to two people. Speak to two thousand. That's when things begin to change.
But when was the last time I spoke to two thousand people, even in the figurative sense? Well, Scribbling Mob had a circulation of 3000. So I was able to communicate with a lot of people on campus over a couple of years. And more recently, stories I have online have received tens of thousands of hits. But they're stories. What exactly is it that I have to say?
I got new glasses today, and the world has leapt into focus for the first time in... too long. I got some funky red frames that everyone comments on. Mostly compliments. Some people remain politely silent on whether or not they like them.
It's interesting to me how different the world looks now, with its sharp edges, and clarity far away. It feels like a physical although perhaps intangible complement to what I'm thinking about. I've got to be honest with myself about what my strengths are and my weaknesses. I've got to take things at face value in order to decide what really needs to get done. I've got to accept that I really don't need to be superwoman to change things--that all people who have changed things before were just normal folks like you and me, and in fact, ONLY normal folks can accomplish things because ONLY normal folks really understand life.
I tell my teens to see things for what they really are. As we all must do. Even me.
My life will run out before I save the world if I don't get going. This is just something I've got to do.
