After Retreat

So what's the news?

The retreat was good. It was really nice to get away, have some time to play and pray and think and relax and not work. And there were some unexpected surprises.

For instance, when this lady name Cody asked who was going to jump into the slushy Lake Michigan with her, I was surprised to find myself saying Me! She wound up not doing it. She'd had a heart transplant less than a year ago, and we all had some legitmate concerns for her wellbeing. But for me? I'd never done it, and I figured since it came up and I had a chance and no real reason not to, it was my moral obligation to go through.

And I did.

And it was incredible. The greatest feeling ever, no matter how very uncomfortable. I can't even describe it to do it justice. It's life. So very vivid, it's life.

Also, I've set into motion the chain of events that is going to split my work hours. I'll be dropping down to probably two days a week at St. Paul, and will probably spend two days a week at Su Casa. It's a Catholic Worker House that has a lot of need right now, because it's struggling to stay open. I feel good about this change. I'll be splitting my hours after Easter, so there is still time left that I'll be here at St. Paul full time. I can transition out.

Maybe I'll find my place at Su Casa, maybe not. There's also a possibility that I'll be trained for prison ministry. And maybe I'll shift some hours back to Holy Cross. I've still been working with HOPE Program this year, and I still love it. Gave a presentation two days ago and holy cow, I love it. At any rate, I'm taking steps to change my position to something I'm more comfortable with, that I enjoy more, and that makes me feel more fulfilled and less like a failure or a fraud. So we'll see.

Oh! Also, I've got some news about the Marathon.

It turns out that, after five years of doing the AIDS Marathon in Ireland, the AIDS Foundation of Chicago has decided to try something new. Their overseas Marathon is in Florence. Which has me kind of bummed, because I was all set for Ireland. But now there's this possibility of Italy instead, which has me kind of un-bummed. Also, I could run the Marathon in Honolulu, or in Chicago or DC. At any rate, training, etc, will start in June for Florence and Hawaii, earlier for Chicago. I'll keep you all posted.

What else is fun? I took three of the teens to the Marquard Center on Monday. It's a soup kitchen, with a shelter a few blocks away. We served dinner--well, they served dinner. I was the coffee person. It was really neat. They've got a great operation up there. It's also a fulltime volunteer program, and I think four of the volunteers that live there are from Germany. It was neat to talk with them, and the other part time volunteers that were there, and the lady who was there for community service, and people we got to serve. It was really good.

Tired Whining

It really is just tired whining. It's not worth reading. I'll write about something more interesting next week. Come back then.

...

Jeez I'm tired.

I've been getting a decent amount of sleep, but I just can't shake it. I've decided I'm going to start therapy soon. I can't help but think that life has always been more or less like this, and therefore it's me with the problem. And I'm okay with that idea. Whatever I can do to stop being so tired, so unhappy, so negative, is fine with me.

I'm really leaning toward cutting my hours at this job after Easter, and starting at a new ministry where I'll feel like I'm doing something worthwhile. I love these kids, and I don't want to leave the youth group altogether, but this just can't be my main thing. I can't help thinking, all the time I might add, that there are so many more important things I ought to be doing. I'm always busy here, and I usually have fun, but I never seem to do anything. I need more.

I guess service is kind of relative. I don't want to give anyone the impression that Youth ministry is not worthwhile or important or very powerful in the lives of young adults. It is all of those things. But it's like, after you've worked with adolescent sex offenders, after you've worked with gangs, after you've worked with impoverished first and second generation immigrants... lower middle class teens are just so... what? undeserving? that's not the right word. But they have problems like I had problems. And those are very legitimate problems, but dude. I've seen much worse problems. And I get so frustrated that they're teenagers who haven't always had to fight every step of the way, and who therefore feel like they deserve everything they get and more. I know I was that way. I was so bloody entitled to everything. But jeez, when they start acting like their life is just so hard and I think about other teens I've worked with, I just really can't help but feel I'm the absolute wrong person for this job.

These kids need someone who has not done the service that I have done. These kids need someone who lives better than me, who spends more than $100 a month, and who doesn't feel like they live in the lap of luxury because of it. I'm so very aware, all the time, that I live like a friggin' queen, and how can I relate to kids who live better than me, but prance around with their 'life has cheated me' pouty faces, oblivious to the realities of our world, unable to hear or see the realities of life?

I'm such a fucking elitist, down on my very lowest pedestal possible. I WAS these kids, and now I can't relate to them at all. I've seen things and I've done things and I can never go back again. I can't pretend I wasn't ever there. I can't bring myself to be the person who works with the slightly disadvantaged, because I feel like I"m wasting my time-- and that's pretentious of me. So very condescending. I know that their problems are their problems, and therefore, their problems are real problems. I know they're legitimate, and I know the damage they can do.

I'm a privileged person. All of my needs are taken care of. My big problem right now is that I feel dissatisfied with my job. But I have one, and I can do it well. I have a laptop, and hot water, and a bed, and a netflix account. And sure, I grieve for my grandparents, and I worry about my brother, and I'm so scared for Erika right now... but really. I'm tired and dissatisfied and I can do nothing but complain about it all. Because my problems are so bad.

It's the same thing. Maybe I'm impatient with the kids because I still AM the kids, except that I know better but complain all the time anyway. I guess that's why I'm starting therapy. Because this is something that's wrong with me that I gotta fix so I can move on.

The News

Erika is in recovery. They'd had her on Tylenol plus codeine, but it wasn't enough the other day so now she's on morphine. When I saw her yesterday, it was hard to tell if it was the morphine or the brain surgery that left her sometimes less than lucid, but she's recovering. They have her walk around a few times a day. She gets up to go to the bathroom. When she's awake she can vocalize, although she doesn't always make sense. The swelling is going down.

Yesterday morning before I got there, this lady from church, Mary, called to tell me that Erika had asked for some of the soup that we'd been making for our fundraiser. I brought her a huge container. She was so happy to have it.

I brought a bunch of get-well cards and a couple of big posters the youth group made. She was happy to have them, although she can't read yet. The youth group was happy to make them. I also brought one of the posters up to the science fair and a bunch of the kids from school signed it too.

It's been a long and exhausting week. I want a day off so bad. I'm actually looking forward to our retreat next weekend with the volunteers. We're going up to Wisconsin to a cabin on the lake. It wasn't a great retreat last year, and it surprises me that I'm looking forward to it this year with a blind optimism that this year will be better, based on nothing but the fact that I want to get away.

I've been running a lot lately, and my body is starting to get back into shape. I'm doing two-mile runs this month, but the day I found out about Erika, in between everything else, I ran four. I just couldn't stop running. I had so much energy inside me and I felt like I was going to go crazy if I didn't get it out. And it helped. A lot. I was able to refocus myself for the the evening when we had the mass for her with a large group of concerned teens.

Dan was awesome to help out that day/night. He's been working with the youth group the past month, and the kids love him. And I know he has relationships with the teens too, and needed to be there and help out as much as he could for his own sake, but I can't help but feel he shouldn't have had to deal with any of it while he was getting ready to fly off for his grandmother's funeral.

And as always, Michael's been right there every night to hug me and listen to me-- eternally patient with me even in times when I just want to slap myself and tell myself to toughen up and grow up already. He tells me I'm fine, and everything will be fine. And I believe him. And I wonder when it was that I started needing to hear other people say that, because that was my mantra.

The rest of the community has been so easy. They ask how she's doing and listen when I tell them. They look the other way as I leave youth group things and projects and clothes and bookbags around the house. They're nice because they're nice people, and they're good because that's what they do, and I can't help but wish this community would stay forever, because they're awesome.

I feel so tired and sappy.

Upcoming with me/youth group is:

Tonight there's a meeting with Via Crucis, which is happening and which I think I'll be in charge of despite every thing. Boo. Ah well. YOu know? Not worth my worry. I'll do it and it'll be fine.

Tomorrow I'm taking a group of the teens to the Night MInistry to pack bags. The Night Ministry goes out in a bus almost every night and they distribute food and services for homeless people. I can't take the teens on the overnight service, but I can take them to pack bags that will be distributed throughout the month.

Next weekend is the volunteer retreat. The followiing MOnday I'm taking some teens to the Marquard Center to do service. That weekend we'll have a Dinner and a Movie fundraiser, and then, the last weekend of Februrary, we have the 30 Hour Famine. That's the big deal awesome THING that's coming up with the youth group. It's gonna be good.

So yeah. A busy month. I think I'll take the last two days of it off. I need to set about arranging that right now.

peace,
kati

Pray for Erika III

She's survived the surgery, and the doctors seem hopeful. We've had trouble getting in contact with her family to find more. Tonight, the youth group is going to make cards and what-not, and tomorrow I'll go back for another visit (I saw her the afternoon of her surgery, but she was only very barely conscious. Daena and I stole a couple of latex gloves and blew them up like balloons and wrote messages on them for her. I also brought tabloids and tulips and a deck of cards, because you should have things like that in a hospital).

In other news, Dan's gone to Arizona because his grandmother died. So please also keep him and his family in your prayers.